you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
