So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
