He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
