my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
