sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
