Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
why do cheetos always look like penises
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
