I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
