I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
