Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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