And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
