I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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