Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
