Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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