Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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