He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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