: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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