I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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