I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
