dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
