drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
