I can text with my tongue
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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