Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
