Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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