Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
