...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
