I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
