WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Couch. On fire.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
