If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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