pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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