God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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