I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm sobbing to NWA
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
