he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize