I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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