Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
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