Everything about him screamed your future.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
