i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
