you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
