I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
