I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
