apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
