You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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