The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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