I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
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I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
MIDGETS
????
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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