She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
