So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you had me at cake vodka
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
