dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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