Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
