she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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