I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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