I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
