No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
