Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
