I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
