Green mimosas i think yes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
