So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
and she was petting her beer can
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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