I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
