I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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